His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
