I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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