haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
