she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
