Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
