drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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