I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
