I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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