YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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