It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
