Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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