i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I think your dad took our porno
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
