Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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