just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Randomize
