You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
