I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
