I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
