I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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