I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
