i need an iv and a liver transplant
found the other keg... it's in the tree
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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