oh god the rape fog is back!
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
