i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
