you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
