I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
