I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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