Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
