the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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