Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
