This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
