I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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