I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
