The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Less talking, more tequila
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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