Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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