Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
