Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You smell like stripper and shame
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
