Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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