worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
