I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
