I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
high people should be assigned attendants
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Randomize
