oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
