mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
