what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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