So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
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The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
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I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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