Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Terrible idea I love it
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
