and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
