based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.