are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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