Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
