Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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