i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
