dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I have surprise drugs for everyone
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
