my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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