I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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