Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
