My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
